last words: 9.48 pm

there was too much blood. I attempted to lift my head, then gave up immediately when a piercing pain sliced through my chest. my mind spun, trying its best to calculate as the thick haze of death began to settle in. at most, I probably had only 5 minutes left.

a few seconds passed as I lay bleeding on the dirt. I closed my eyes, then suddenly reopened them. a single thought flashed through my brain over and over.

“Caroline…Caroline..” I muttered weakly, fumbling in my torn pocket for my phone. Speed-dialing her number, I prayed that she would pick up.

“Rowan!” her familiar gentle voice rang out.

“Caroline,” I sighed, relieved. “How are you?”

“I’m fine, love….how are you?”

Grimacing, I answered, “I’ve been better. How was your day?”

I could almost see her dark green eyes shining as she spoke wistfully. “The usual. I miss you – when am I going to see you again?”

the pain sharpened. I tried my best to stifle a groan, but it slipped out.

“Honey? Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Yeah. Hey, listen.” I spoke urgently, knowing my time was soon drawing to a close.

“Okay?”

deep breaths.

“I love you,” I whispered, as the agony grew stronger with every moment.

her voice faltered for a second. “Rowan? Are you-”

I cut her off. “I love you so much, Caroline Davis. I just want you to know that no matter what, I will always love you.” tears began dripping onto my cheeks.

I fought for breath. Just a few more seconds.

her smile leaked into her voice. “I love you more, Rowan Cooper.”

I savored each syllable, for it would be the last time I would ever hear those words.

“I love you the most.”

 

those were my last words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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mariposa – 7.06 pm

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Many quotes have been written on the concept of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.

“Everything will work out more beautifully than you can imagine,” they say, nodding knowingly at the miraculous transformation. One of nature’s finest works.

“You may be a caterpillar now, but someday you will be a beautiful butterfly.”

Someday. Someday. Someday….

We often romanticize the thought that everything is going to be okay – we simply recognize the beginning and the end, without giving thought to the middle.

Everyone fantasizes about turning into a butterfly, but very few realize that we have failed to take note of the most important part: the transformation within the chrysalis.

While the caterpillar is in the chrysalis, its body begins to break down and dissolve. All the organs that sustain the little caterpillar disappear. They are turned into liquid, and the caterpillar becomes no more than a helpless puddle.

Similarly, on our journey, we will be broken down. We will be dissolved into anxiety, constant fear and insecurities, and shattered dreams. Seemingly everyone that had ever given us hope will fade away, leaving us helpless and hopeless. The transformation itself is not a concept to be taken lightly.

After the caterpillar is turned into a puddle of liquids, it starts to rebuild itself. Slowly but surely, antennae and wings form perfectly, barely visible through the glistening chrysalis. In the same way, we need to rebuild from our ashes. We need to create a new outlook on life, a new love for others, a new patience.

But, as the caterpillar finally emerges from its chrysalis in the form of the butterfly, its struggles aren’t over. Adjusting into its new life isn’t easy – they have to patiently wait for their wings to unfold.

Just like the newly formed butterfly, we must be patient with ourselves. Don’t rush yourself, because if you do, you will find yourself back at square one. And eventually, as you become stronger, you’ll see your glorious, sun dazzled wings rising above you.

So be patient. Wait a little longer. Trust a little more. You may be a helpless puddle of brokenness right now, but I promise you that everything will not only be “okay” in the end, it will be better than you could ever have imagined.

remember, it is the journey, not the destination.

Born with it. (Part 1)

I was born with it. Simple.

I was born with the gift. The gift – the kind that the universe grants to one only once in many lifetimes.

everyone in society is taught and educated about how they have a soulmate – one who is the cause of their laughter, the antidote for their sadness, the love of their life. but that theory has never been completely proven.

until now.

if you could gaze through my eyes, you would see that I can perceive tiny, delicate threads connecting two people together. no one else can see those lines. just me.

I call them “strands of fate.” they can never be broken – they are made of a substance that this world has not discovered yet.

these strands are different colors depending on the two people – sometimes they are the color of the sea in a fierce storm, or the color of the honey colored light that filters through my window at precisely 4:12 pm on a Wednesday evening.

I still do not know the reason why they are different colors, but I hope to know someday from Them. For now, I live quietly with my gift – I have been instructed not to tell anyone, not even my own family. I know that They mean well, so I will follow Their command.

So I do not tell my best friend that the soft eyed, brown haired boy she is in love with is bound by those strands to another girl.

I do not tell the barista at the coffee shop that there is a soft blue thread tying her to the shy, awkward boy that comes in every so often just to see her smile.

I do not tell my parents that they are connected to each other by a silver thread that can never be broken – a clear sign that the plans of the universe had worked out. I love seeing their thread sparkle in the light – it gives me hope that maybe someday, I will find the person at the other end of my thread.

Every night, before I fall asleep, I hold my glistening strand carefully in the palm of my hands. It is of a color that I have never seen before – there are no words to describe it. if you care, it is like the passion of two lovers, the beauty of a rose, the calmness of a lilac sunset all combined together.

and every night I whisper:

“someday…I will find you.”

***

 

GUYSS I’M SO EXCITED FOR THIS SERIES!! I hope you enjoyed reading the first part, and please leave a comment telling me what you think! your feedback means the world to me :) have a wonderful day!

 

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Not That Simple

hey guys! sorry I haven’t posted for a whole month ahh – life has gotten way too busy! so, to reward you guys for being patient, here’s a little story for valentine’s day :)

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she loved him, and he loved her…but it wasn’t that simple. nothing ever was. and nothing ever will be.

she was the sun — an endless ball of fire, energy, and passion, blazing into infinity. a bit on the wild side.

and he was the sky, calm, steady, and reassuring. ever present. holding her up. accepting her flaws.

it seemed like they had been with each other since the beginning of time – no one really remembered when they met. but they were quite the dynamic duo, fearlessly pacing through each day and night – she was always in the lead; he was always at her side.

“opposites attract,” everyone said knowingly of the pair.

“peanut butter and jelly.”

“fire and ice.”

“sunshine and rain.”

“peanuts and popcorn.”

“we’re just friends,” they responded, laughing. but everyone knew they existed only for each other.

they thought they would be together forever…but it wasn’t that simple. you see, life has a tendency to pull apart the most committed and dedicated of lovers.

— eventually, the sky became too distant from the sun, who in turn, became too fiery and unmanageable without him to keep her in check. no one could handle her; no one could reach him.

so they faded from existence, each completely lost without the other. the universe cracked at the seams, and their story was gradually forgotten.

never to be relived, and never to be told again.

 

 

 

Day 27: Unfinished.

I’m the kind of person who loves to put their earbuds in and stare dreamily out the car window at the passing scenery, whether that scenery is the wonderful handiwork of God (nature) or a busy freeway packed with cars.

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I also love airports – for the organized chaos that reigns everywhere you walk, and also for the delighting variety of people you see there.

Confession: I love people-watching.

I like to wonder what kind of lives they have. Does the man slumped in the bus station have a warm home to return to? Does the tired-looking cashier wearily scanning potatoes get enough rest? The little girl, walking all alone behind a loud chattering group of children on their way home for school – is she okay? Does she have a loving family?

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Every pair of eyes I see holds some kind of emotion – joy, fear, sadness. There is so much pain in this world and it has affected many people in many different ways.

Every person has a story to tell that makes them unique and different, and every story is worth hearing. I have a story full of ups and downs that would take a lifetime to retell – and it is still being written. It’s unfinished; a rough draft.

What’s your story?

 

 

Day 16: rant.

Insecurities.

why do they even exist? why do they torment my mind at all hours and moments of the day. of my life? they destroy not only my confidence, but everyone else’s self-confidence.

insecurities are always pressuring us to look like others, act like others, listen to the same songs as others.

we should be allowed to love ourselves. after all, we are God’s masterpieces. insecurities, you shouldn’t be allowed to destroy us from the inside out. I’m tired of not being tall enough, not being skinny enough, not being fit enough, not cool enough, not pretty enough. I’m just tired of not being enough. it takes all of 3 seconds to compare ourselves with others. society is constantly slapping us with images of how we should look and behave. give us freedom to be ourselves, to embrace ourselves for who we really are. honestly guys, let the haters hate. you are beautiful. you are strong. you are worth it. God has brought you through everything that you thought you wouldn’t get through. you’ll live.

you’ll be okay, and it’s perfectly fine to cry. it’s okay to spend sleepless nights. fall in love with yourself, and fall in love with Him. you are His unbelievably precious, precious masterpiece. He loves you, and I do too. sorry this post was long, but it was needed.

 

 

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Day 10: My Favorite Quote(s)

 

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“you can make or break the chains that hold you.”

“Bless this mess.”

“be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.”

“and though she be but little, she is fierce.” – Shakespeare

“think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy” – Anne Frank

“The more you care, the more you have to lose.” – HP

“and I think I’m gonna love you for a long long time” – my heart

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.”

Day 7: My Biggest Regret(s). Real Talk.

I’ve waited too long to make some decisions. Been too scared to take the risks and jump. Underestimated His power.


Maybe I’ve been too stressed about school, you know? Sometimes I look back and regret not placing my trust in Him.

Maybe…maybe I’ve waited too long to forgive people. There are the ones who deserve it the least, but at the same time deserve all of it because He has forgiven me first.

It’s quite possible that I’ve let other people influence me in negative ways: forcing me to mask my personality, change my interests, even mold the way I act into someone that’s not me.

And perhaps I’ve been too afraid to try new things and step out of my comfort zone. I wonder, how many amazing adventures have I missed out on simply because I’ve been too scared of what risks may be involved?

The most important thing is that everyone makes mistakes. We all have flaws; we all are human. Even if you or I make mistakes….

We can make or break the chains that hold us.

Bottom line: Do everything, regret nothing.

💕

Day 5: My Dream Job

My goal is to create a life I don’t need a vacation from.

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Dream Job:

I’d love to spend my life helping others. That’s the highest, purest form of human happiness isn’t it?

I’ve always loved the medical field – the thought of helping to change other people’s lives in little and big ways has always thrilled me. Recently this year, I had an opportunity to volunteer at a three day, free health clinic that was held in Los Angeles. It was amazing to see how many different kinds of people needed help and to see how desperately they needed it! Definitely one of my most favorite memories ever.

So there’s my dream job – kind of obscure, but at least I have an idea lol.

I want to witness for God by helping to change other people’s lives in the medical field :D If that doesn’t work out, I pray that I’m willing to follow His plan for me.

<3

something that I was impressed to write.

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tbh God isn’t done with you.

I can truthfully say that God has definitely put a lot of plot twists into my life –  in academics, friendships, etc. Most of the time, what I expect to happen doesn’t happen, and the thing I least expected to happen, happens. xD you will never know what happens tomorrow, so why stress about it? take it easy, there. just go step by step, and you’ll make it. *deep breath*

so maybe it isn’t okay now. maybe it won’t be okay tomorrow. or next week. or next month. or next year. but believe me when I say that you can make it through all storms and eventually everything will be alright, as long as you have God by your side. it’s not cliche, it’s a fact.

everything that happens in your life has a reason, even the little things. it’s all part of your story, your book that God has so carefully written for you. you are His masterpiece, and His love for you is way beyond anything you could imagine.

start each day with prayer, and end each day with prayer. He’ll always be there for you. <3

Storytime: It was a dark, stormy afternoon…

The Friday afternoon had started just like the past four days at camp had – with warm, golden sunshine, the bluest skies, and glassy waters. About 15 of us had jumped into our respective canoes and started the 1 mile long voyage across the river to enjoy the afternoon.

But on the way back, trouble hit.

Hard.

    Heavy, gray clouds soon covered the sapphire sky, mercilessly raining on us as we dragged our canoes into the water and clambered in. Sydney, Summer, and I strained at the paddles, but by the time we were halfway across, our muscles were already exhausted from 4 straight days of canoeing.

 

“I need to take a break,” panted Sydney, laying down her paddle and slumping over on the seat. Summer and I agreed. Our canoe began to float aimlessly across the seemingly calm waters. In a few seconds, they were forming into threatening-looking waves. I screamed as one wave hit, causing the canoe to tip dangerously to one side.
“Paddle left!” ordered Summer. Sydney and I hurried to obey, but it wasn’t long before she yelled, “Paddle right!” Suddenly, a rumble of thunder vibrated through the heavy clouds, closely followed by a streak of burning lightning. The rain that had been pelting us this entire time instantly hardened into icy balls.

I ducked instinctively, shouting, “HAIL!” The waves responded by rocking our canoe even harder. The three of us desperately prayed for God to save us as our little canoe bounced about on the waves, but I was ready to just lay down in the canoe and let the waves pound us.

We were helpless. Stuck in a storm with seemingly no way out. In the middle of paddling, I realized that this was the same situation with our daily lives. We are all fighting our personal storms – full of rain, thunder, and lightning. Sometimes we want to give up. None of us can ever make it through the tempest, unless we give Him permission to take control.

And at that moment, the waves stilled, the hail stopped, and comforting sunlight illuminated the once again peaceful (The three of us were screaming with gratitude and joy) lake.

tbh, we can’t fight our battles by ourselves – that’s basically pointless. Enlist His help, and then watch the miracles unfold in your life.

by the way, I kissed the flowers out of happiness to be back on terra firma again :P

I miss…

This. <3 Have an amazing Monday, loves.I miss..PNGp.s. ~ obsessed with @thehappypage and her amazing, inspiring quotes.

 

If you could stay one age forever, what age would it be?

“Lord, have mercy.”

“Lord, have mercy.”

All around her, the teen heard the horrifying sounds of death and misery. There was nothing she could do about it. 

Helpless, Rhea herself lay prostrate on the gritty dirt in front of her tent, gasping for air. Her long, shimmering hair lay tangled around her tanned face, which was wrenched with anguish. Her woven shawl had fallen away from her slim shoulders that trembled from the venom rapidly coursing through her body.

A slim, iridescent snake slithered past her glazed brown eyes, triggering the fading memory of being painfully bitten by a mad serpent that morning in bed. With great effort, the girl cried out in desperation.

“Lord, have mercy!”

The poison had completely circulated through her body, causing excruciating agony. If only they had listened to Moses and hadn’t complained, then the Israelites wouldn’t be in such misery now. Tears drew paths down her dusty face as she remembered the lifeless forms of her parents and siblings just a few hours before.

Gritting her teeth, Rhea felt a shudder go through her whole weakened body. She knew she didn’t have much time left…

Suddenly, crunching footsteps came to a stop in front of the slowly dying girl.

“My dear, if you wish to be healed, then all you have to do is cast your eyes upon the serpent on the brazen pole.” She faintly heard Moses’ melodious and deep voice vibrating in the air.

His footsteps crunched away…leaving her to think. Of course she wanted to be healed, but how would looking at a brass statue of a snake help her? It seemed like a cruel joke.

But then again, what did she have to lose?

So, with the very last of her energy, Rhea lifted her eyes up to the shining pole.
Based on Numbers 21:5-9  

Summer Adventuring – Mermaids

The beach is especially packed during the summer days, but I managed to find a beautiful cove that wasn’t too crowded about a couple weekends ago.

Enjoy the photos of my inner mermaid spirit :)

Ft. my favorite backpack ever from Twig and Arrow and my messy hair u.u

PC: my amazing photographer (aka my sister) and my photographer in training (aka my dad)

I give you an A for effort, Dad u_u

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The more I look at this picture, the more I realize how tiny I am xD

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I’ve grown up 10 minutes from the beach, and I know that I must have saltwater in my veins <3

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Keep scrolling, I know you can make it u.u

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Probably my favorite one <3

~ I must be a mermaid – I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.

Make every day an adventure (:

Diamonds

“Like a diamond, the more I’m cut, sliced, and hurt…the more I shine.”

I know, I know. You’ve been told all your life that that your “good” wasn’t “good enough,” that your “best” wasn’t enough. Nothing hurts more than giving your absolute best and being told that it wasn’t “good enough.” But you know what? That should only inspire and motivate you to prove them haters wrong. We are all more than “good enough” in God’s eyes. We’re all diamonds. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought that I didn’t play violin or piano “good enough.” But you’ve got to pick yourself back up and keep moving. Run, walk, or crawl – as long as you’re moving forward.

 

scroll down for some rebel pictures I got during a makeshift photo shoot ;)

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~shaking off my troubles like~

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And in the end, we’re all diamonds. You just have to believe it.

That Girl Over There