last words: 9.48 pm

there was too much blood. I attempted to lift my head, then gave up immediately when a piercing pain sliced through my chest. my mind spun, trying its best to calculate as the thick haze of death began to settle in. at most, I probably had only 5 minutes left.

a few seconds passed as I lay bleeding on the dirt. I closed my eyes, then suddenly reopened them. a single thought flashed through my brain over and over.

“Caroline…Caroline..” I muttered weakly, fumbling in my torn pocket for my phone. Speed-dialing her number, I prayed that she would pick up.

“Rowan!” her familiar gentle voice rang out.

“Caroline,” I sighed, relieved. “How are you?”

“I’m fine, love….how are you?”

Grimacing, I answered, “I’ve been better. How was your day?”

I could almost see her dark green eyes shining as she spoke wistfully. “The usual. I miss you – when am I going to see you again?”

the pain sharpened. I tried my best to stifle a groan, but it slipped out.

“Honey? Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Yeah. Hey, listen.” I spoke urgently, knowing my time was soon drawing to a close.

“Okay?”

deep breaths.

“I love you,” I whispered, as the agony grew stronger with every moment.

her voice faltered for a second. “Rowan? Are you-”

I cut her off. “I love you so much, Caroline Davis. I just want you to know that no matter what, I will always love you.” tears began dripping onto my cheeks.

I fought for breath. Just a few more seconds.

her smile leaked into her voice. “I love you more, Rowan Cooper.”

I savored each syllable, for it would be the last time I would ever hear those words.

“I love you the most.”

 

those were my last words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11.35 am

“Good morning, what can I get you today?” he smiled at their first customer that morning. the customer rattled off their order while he punched in the numbers and got to work brewing the coffee.

the rich and cozy smell filled the air inside the cute little coffee shop as sunlight and people streamed in.

“Don’t forget to add the cream before you mix,” he told a newer worker kindly. she nodded gratefully, and he returned to his post at the cash register, busily working on some supply forms. a pair of heels clicking up the line announced the arrival of another customer. he looked up, immediately pasting a smile on his face – and froze.

she was standing before him, in real life, with color in her cheeks and sparkles in her sea green eyes. the days when he had run his fingers through her auburn hair suddenly seemed like yesterday instead of years ago.

“Um…uh…what can I…uh get you this morning?” he stuttered.

she smiled, and he felt his knees go weak. “I’ll have a large mocha cappuccino with extra whipped cream, please,” she requested in her soft voice. he swallowed, remembering the nights when that smooth voice in his ear was all he’d ever wanted.

with trembling fingers, he punched in the digits and looked up. “That’ll be $4.57, but don’t worry, it’s on me.”

she raised an eyebrow, giving him a grateful smile. “Oh thank you….” she glanced at his name tag. “Marcus.” she frowned, a confused expression flitting across her face. “Do I know you?”

his heart jumped into his throat. he swallowed several times, willing the painful ache in his chest to disappear. a few seconds hung in the air, waiting. he exhaled.

“No,” he smiled sadly. “No, you don’t.”

 

 

~ a bit of a sad post, haha – let me know what you guys think down below in the comments <3

mariposa – 7.06 pm

Many quotes have been written on the concept of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.

“Everything will work out more beautifully than you can imagine,” they say, nodding knowingly at the miraculous transformation. One of nature’s finest works.

“You may be a caterpillar now, but someday you will be a beautiful butterfly.”

Someday. Someday. Someday….

We often romanticize the thought that everything is going to be okay – we simply recognize the beginning and the end, without giving thought to the middle.

Everyone fantasizes about turning into a butterfly, but very few realize that we have failed to take note of the most important part: the transformation within the chrysalis.

While the caterpillar is in the chrysalis, its body begins to break down and dissolve. All the organs that sustain the little caterpillar disappear. They are turned into liquid, and the caterpillar becomes no more than a helpless puddle.

Similarly, on our journey, we will be broken down. We will be dissolved into anxiety, constant fear and insecurities, and shattered dreams. Seemingly everyone that had ever given us hope will fade away, leaving us helpless and hopeless. The transformation itself is not a concept to be taken lightly.

After the caterpillar is turned into a puddle of liquids, it starts to rebuild itself. Slowly but surely, antennae and wings form perfectly, barely visible through the glistening chrysalis. In the same way, we need to rebuild from our ashes. We need to create a new outlook on life, a new love for others, a new patience.

But, as the caterpillar finally emerges from its chrysalis in the form of the butterfly, its struggles aren’t over. Adjusting into its new life isn’t easy – they have to patiently wait for their wings to unfold.

Just like the newly formed butterfly, we must be patient with ourselves. Don’t rush yourself, because if you do, you will find yourself back at square one. And eventually, as you become stronger, you’ll see your glorious, sun dazzled wings rising above you.

So be patient. Wait a little longer. Trust a little more. You may be a helpless puddle of brokenness right now, but I promise you that everything will not only be “okay” in the end, it will be better than you could ever have imagined.

remember, it is the journey, not the destination.

Home

 

 

that one word can trigger a million different meanings:

it could be a place – your childhood home where you grew up.

it could be a certain moment, locked away inside a box of time that you regularly open, just to feel all the emotions rushing back and bringing a smile to your face.

it could be a specific feeling – like that one time you and your best friend stayed up talking til 2 am, and finally falling asleep hours later with the taste of that ben and jerry’s caramel ice cream on your tongue.

it could be a person – someone that sends you into spiral of joy, nervousness, and happiness all at once. someone who, just by seeing them or hearing their voice, refreshes your entire soul and body.

or it could even be

yourself.

---

so before you build a home within anyone or anything, remember that you should find home within yourself.

your happiness does not depend on another person, so don’t put yourself in that empty prison.

repeat after me: your happiness does NOT depend on how another person treats you.

when you are nervous, falling apart, and afraid, pray. learn to forgive and accept yourself; even better, to love yourself. learn to love others. and finally, love God, because dwelling in Him is the most peaceful thing that you’ll ever experience~

Not That Simple

hey guys! sorry I haven’t posted for a whole month ahh – life has gotten way too busy! so, to reward you guys for being patient, here’s a little story for valentine’s day :)

she loved him, and he loved her…but it wasn’t that simple. nothing ever was. and nothing ever will be.

she was the sun — an endless ball of fire, energy, and passion, blazing into infinity. a bit on the wild side.

and he was the sky, calm, steady, and reassuring. ever present. holding her up. accepting her flaws.

it seemed like they had been with each other since the beginning of time – no one really remembered when they met. but they were quite the dynamic duo, fearlessly pacing through each day and night – she was always in the lead; he was always at her side.

“opposites attract,” everyone said knowingly of the pair.

“peanut butter and jelly.”

“fire and ice.”

“sunshine and rain.”

“peanuts and popcorn.”

“we’re just friends,” they responded, laughing. but everyone knew they existed only for each other.

they thought they would be together forever…but it wasn’t that simple. you see, life has a tendency to pull apart the most committed and dedicated of lovers.

— eventually, the sky became too distant from the sun, who in turn, became too fiery and unmanageable without him to keep her in check. no one could handle her; no one could reach him.

so they faded from existence, each completely lost without the other. the universe cracked at the seams, and their story was gradually forgotten.

never to be relived, and never to be told again.

 

 

 

9.22 pm

“Miss? Are you alright?”

I snapped to attention, quickly glancing around the tiny coffee shop – the only coffee shop, in fact, that existed in my tiny town. I’d been drowsy, lured to sleep by the golden smiles of sunshine glimmering through the antique windowpanes. “Sorry,” I blurted, looking up – and stopping.

she looked at me over her tinted, jeweled sunglasses with eyes so blue I thought I might drown in them. reaching out a velvet gloved hand, the flawless woman touched my arm. “Are you alright, darling?” her voice had a touch of an accent as she repeated the question.

normally, I would’ve been creeped out. I mean, this woman looked like someone from…well anywhere but here. 2 seconds were all I needed to sum her up. fancy purse, perfect makeup, jewels across her throat – she’d fit in a lot better posing next to the Hollywood sign than standing over the cracked and scratched coffee table that wobbled when you leaned on it.

“Um…yes, I am.” I stirred my macchiato as the lie tumbled out. without a second of hesitation, the movie star worthy woman pulled out the chair opposite me and sat down with perfect grace.

“Tell me all about it,” she declared.

“Excuse me?”

“You know, as well as I do, that your heart is weary.” the stranger sipped her drink that had seemingly come out of nowhere. figures.

I, on any other day, would’ve run out of the shop a longgg time ago. but there was something about her that compelled me to stay. so I did.

“I can’t let go of him.” the words escaped my mouth as easily as a breath of air. “Even after everything that’s happened…I can’t.”

she looked at me over her sunglasses, legs crossed like she was at a photo shoot. a whiff of Chanel perfume washed over me as she leaned across the ancient table.

“Darling,” she whispered, “not everyone you lose is a loss.”

 

and then I woke up.

 

 

8.07 pm

he stared at the worn, loved journal. breathless. he knew the girl whom it belonged to, but he gingerly lifted its leather cover anyways. his eyes fell on the first page, covered in familiar, neat handwriting. swallowing, he began to read the words.

“I miss you.

There’s no other way to put it.

I miss you from the bottom of my heart, and with all of my broken pieces. I miss you so much and so intensely that it feels as if the sky caved in on me and drenched me with all of its glittering stars. I miss your soft eyes, your soothing voice, and your strong arms as they embraced me. You didn’t know it, but when you held me, you held my whole world together. I knew falling in love with you, of all people, was a dangerous risk. But you hugged me so tightly that all my broken pieces stuck back together. You loved me so fiercely until all I saw was you; all I thought of was…

You.

And now, watching you look at her the way you looked at me. It feels as if the wispy, gray clouds have enveloped me in their haze of sadness. No, not sadness. What I feel is more than sadness. It’s as if the sun has refused to shine, and the moon no longer illuminates the velvety darkness of the still night. It’s like living life without laughter; living in a world without color.

  I don’t want to miss you. But I do. Not missing you is as impossible as breathing without air. It’s a feeling that is always present, no matter how occupied I am.

  So if you ever read this, I hope you know how much and how deeply I loved you, and still do. I miss you, and it cuts me to know that you aren’t missing me back.”

– november 2016 / 8:07 pm.

the boy let out a shuddering sigh, laid the journal down, and looked at the gravestone with the familiar name etched onto it.

  “I miss you too…” he whispered. “But now it’s too late.”

Day 27: Unfinished.

I’m the kind of person who loves to put their earbuds in and stare dreamily out the car window at the passing scenery, whether that scenery is the wonderful handiwork of God (nature) or a busy freeway packed with cars.

I also love airports – for the organized chaos that reigns everywhere you walk, and also for the delighting variety of people you see there.

Confession: I love people-watching.

I like to wonder what kind of lives they have. Does the man slumped in the bus station have a warm home to return to? Does the tired-looking cashier wearily scanning potatoes get enough rest? The little girl, walking all alone behind a loud chattering group of children on their way home for school – is she okay? Does she have a loving family?

 

Every pair of eyes I see holds some kind of emotion – joy, fear, sadness. There is so much pain in this world and it has affected many people in many different ways.

Every person has a story to tell that makes them unique and different, and every story is worth hearing. I have a story full of ups and downs that would take a lifetime to retell – and it is still being written. It’s unfinished; a rough draft.

What’s your story?

 

 

Day 21: Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

“Mer, hi!” Sarah flashed her dazzling white smile at me, and I smiled back.

“Hey! It was great meeting you this weekend at the camp-out. Hope to see you again sometime.” I leaned forward, embracing her for a quick moment.

“Absolutely. You have my number, right?” She pointed at my phone, and I nodded.

“I’ll definitely hit you up.”

“Great. My parents are calling, I gotta go. Bye!” She waved and jumped inside her white car.

“Bye!” I called lightheartedly, waving as the vehicle sped away.

 

---

 

There were a lot of things I wanted to say. Millions of memories raced through my mind as his dark green eyes melted into my dark brown ones. Memories from the past 17 years as best friends slowly spilled out of my eyes and onto my cheeks. I stood next to the pile of suitcases, my hands trembling in my jacket pockets as the hum and bustle of the airport swirled around us two. Neither of us paid attention to it.

“Mer,” he murmured slowly, then reached out, gently wiped the memories from my face, and pulled me close. I blinked back my tears and tried the memorize the familiar clean scent of his clothes.

“Don’t go,” I mumbled into his jacket. The one that I’d bought him last Christmas. The one he wore practically every day. “Don’t go to some university in some other state and leave me here.” His arms tightened around me and an audible sigh escaped him.

“You know I have to, Mer. It’s not my choice. My parents want me to do this. I’d never leave you out of my own will.” I felt his strong hands rub soothing circles in my back, trying to suppress my ragged breathing.

A few minutes passed with the two of us holding each other in the middle of the airport. I was aware of the stares and whispers, but none of it mattered. Only he mattered.

“Make me proud, Mer. Promise me you’ll make me proud.”

I promised.

Half an hour later, I watched him walk into the airplane. Bracing myself, I saw his tall, fit figure turn and wave at me. I saw the pain in his eyes. I waved back, trying to be strong for his sake.

“Goodbye,” I whispered.

and the memories flooded out of my eyes once more.

 

*sorry if this was more of a sad post, but it fit the prompt *shrugs* I wrote it in first person so you, dear reader, could experience what the main character was feeling. let me know what you think! don’t be afraid to criticize :)

Day 11: 5 Favorite Songs

1. “Little Do You Know” by Alex and Sierra
2. “Three Empty Words” by Shawn Mendes
3. “Closer” ft. Halsey
4. “Too Young” by Sabrina Carpenter
5. “I Love You Anyway” by Matt and Josie Minikus

comment below your favorite songs :D

Day 10: My Favorite Quote(s)

 

“you can make or break the chains that hold you.”

“Bless this mess.”

“be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.”

“and though she be but little, she is fierce.” – Shakespeare

“think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy” – Anne Frank

“The more you care, the more you have to lose.” – HP

“and I think I’m gonna love you for a long long time” – my heart

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.”

Day 7: My Biggest Regret(s). Real Talk.

I’ve waited too long to make some decisions. Been too scared to take the risks and jump. Underestimated His power.

Maybe I’ve been too stressed about school, you know? Sometimes I look back and regret not placing my trust in Him.

Maybe…maybe I’ve waited too long to forgive people. There are the ones who deserve it the least, but at the same time deserve all of it because He has forgiven me first.

It’s quite possible that I’ve let other people influence me in negative ways: forcing me to mask my personality, change my interests, even mold the way I act into someone that’s not me.

And perhaps I’ve been too afraid to try new things and step out of my comfort zone. I wonder, how many amazing adventures have I missed out on simply because I’ve been too scared of what risks may be involved?

The most important thing is that everyone makes mistakes. We all have flaws; we all are human. Even if you or I make mistakes….

We can make or break the chains that hold us.

Bottom line: Do everything, regret nothing.

💕

something that I was impressed to write.

 

tbh God isn’t done with you.

I can truthfully say that God has definitely put a lot of plot twists into my life –  in academics, friendships, etc. Most of the time, what I expect to happen doesn’t happen, and the thing I least expected to happen, happens. xD you will never know what happens tomorrow, so why stress about it? take it easy, there. just go step by step, and you’ll make it. *deep breath*

so maybe it isn’t okay now. maybe it won’t be okay tomorrow. or next week. or next month. or next year. but believe me when I say that you can make it through all storms and eventually everything will be alright, as long as you have God by your side. it’s not cliche, it’s a fact.

everything that happens in your life has a reason, even the little things. it’s all part of your story, your book that God has so carefully written for you. you are His masterpiece, and His love for you is way beyond anything you could imagine.

start each day with prayer, and end each day with prayer. He’ll always be there for you. <3

I miss…

This. <3 Have an amazing Monday, loves.p.s. ~ obsessed with @thehappypage and her amazing, inspiring quotes.

 

If you could stay one age forever, what age would it be?

Summer Adventuring – Mermaids

The beach is especially packed during the summer days, but I managed to find a beautiful cove that wasn’t too crowded about a couple weekends ago.

Enjoy the photos of my inner mermaid spirit :)

Ft. my favorite backpack ever from Twig and Arrow and my messy hair u.u

PC: my amazing photographer (aka my sister) and my photographer in training (aka my dad)

I give you an A for effort, Dad u_u

The more I look at this picture, the more I realize how tiny I am xD

I’ve grown up 10 minutes from the beach, and I know that I must have saltwater in my veins <3

Keep scrolling, I know you can make it u.u

Probably my favorite one <3

~ I must be a mermaid – I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.

Make every day an adventure (: